apathy, apathy and empathy, bleh, breakdowns happen, cathartic sobbing, dark thoughts, depressed, empathy, everything will be ok, feeling shitty, flustered, lethargic, morbid, saddening, sob, stress, time for sleep, too much pressure, too much stress, unhappy
*sigh* It’s been much too long since my last breakdown and it seems the lack of sleep, constant pensiveness, over-thinking of things and stress of travel ‘Must Do’s’ amounted without my knowledge and as I showered late last night- EVERYTHING and I do mean everything- just hit me all at once like a tons of houses falling on top of the wicked Witch of The East…
I’m looking forward to new adventures and am more than ecstatic, not to mention still in shock, knowing I will be traveling to Germany for Wave Gotik Treffen. Alas, despite the wonderful thoughts of travel and wonderful awaited recreational activities to be enjoyed with such wonderful people; my mind has decided to work against me since late last night whilst heading into the later hours of this very Monday night..
This time, it wasn’t so much on the scale of equallity between my apathy and empathy.. My empathetic side was far more expressive and brought me to tears immediately as I sat to soak in the hot water to releive some tension on some muscles.. To no avail and an EXTREME increase in lethargy/exhaustion.
I can’t recall having such a difficult time getting out of bed since 2012 while I was recuperating from Viral Meningitis. Yet, this morning proved just as difficult.
What started that extremely sentimental breakdown? To be perfectly frank, I suppose it was thoughts of concern for people I care for deeply- family members in this case- and thinking far too ahead of myself into future events/possibilities/tragedies/etc.. For some reason, this.. this is what I seem to focus on out of the blue..
I suppose the thoughts were also triggered from having experienced my first death in the family- someone very close- and so the thoughts/memories/experience of the day and months prior to the day of passing seem to have stuck and have become a terrible thought starter to certain morbid/saddening thoughts which I shouldn’t even come close to thinking about yet somehow.. I just.. do.
I’m not sure if it’s even sure if this is something everyone goes through eventually- I’m sure, however, we’ve all had similar thoughts of those ‘what ifs’ for a sure fact- yet, despite that, it really hit hard and fast this time.
Granted, I speak sometimes about these experiences to my parents.. but even I can tell you with an earnest face that it is a rare moment when I summon the courage to allow myself to open up and express those dark thoughts.
Most times, I simply do not care to share anything, simply becuase I am someone who does not confide in many to allow myself to be so open with those thoughts- only one person is lucky enough, or unlucky to hear this side of me. Be it whatever he/she considers themself to be around me that is.
Steadily, but surely, I have tried to talk about some of my breakdowns. It helps. Most times, the best cure, so I find to be after a long night of a cathartic sobbing, is comedy or anime with a hint of comedy and artistry.
However, what has helped greatly, is knowing that I will be okay.
As for what there is do be done now; well that is sleep.
Time for bed.