, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

There’s never a moment of enjoyment when ill with the flu. If at most all I wish and beg for is rest, just a smidgen of shut eye and perhaps a caughless night. Unfortunately, Β I do not see myself being so lucky in this situation.

A burning from within my chest, a choking sensation, congestion, non-stop sneezing, the urge to cry, a panic or fear due to previous concerns that lead to this anxiety and an unsettled stomach that only wants to spew out chunks and only settle for toast and fluids- which consist of water/apple juice/ ginger-ale..

I’m trying to the find the strength to push through it and not worry and make it worse over become pathetically anxious over something such as the flu, but it seems difficult, most times it feels like a battle between common sense and a fear of being ill. I’ve never had this before, not until I became severely ill 3 years ago (wow). I’m afraid with every cough, every burp, every moment I have to get up from bed to go to the bathroom…

My biggest fear is if I vomit, and if I’m taken to the hospital. I’m not sure whether to classify this as utter nonsense or just an unnecessary focus towards something I know I’ve had many times before. Yet, no matter how many times I mention this to myself, it still rattles my nerves. I’m always think ‘what is this were to happen’ or ‘what if I become that sick again’ or AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

An irrational panic that should be extinguished with haste and not something to dwell upon every fucking moment I become ill. I feel myself getting pissed off (which is said to be a sign of recovery), but I’m not feeling any better. I have work that I must attend to, but I know the condition I’m under IS NOT the condition you walk into a kitchen with. I’d rather NOT walk into work, with a runny nose and wet cough that can be heard for miles away (exaggerating here) so that the guest can sit and worry over whether or not I’ve just contaminated their food or not! Fuck no! If I’m this bad I cannot do that!

Ughh… Why?! Of all times; why did I have to become sick now?! It’s killing me…

I feel as though I’m a walking zombie who’s seeing herself from the outside in; if that makes any sense (?)… Thankfully Camomile tea does wonders, but for long I wonder…