I cannot look at myself in the mirror without seeing a frown instead of that big smile I’ve grown accustomed to seeing on my face. Unfortunately, today my peers and I received our test scores from last weeks third exam (let’s just say mine wasn’t good for the second). Sitting with my eyes shut tight, almost to the point that I could swear my eyelids would tear (not literally), I was dying ever more slowly inside, after each name was called while waiting to receive my test score. It seems my suspicions were correct, for I not only did I do terrible in my second exam, I received the same test score for the third exam as well.
My glimmer of hope was destroyed as I confronted my professor towards the end of class. It takes a lot of strength to hold back disappointment and a sudden breakdown from occurring when admitting to yourself, as you’re talking to your professor, granting them the pleasure of listening to your voice crack with the awful truth saying you’ll most likely fail the semester. I felt myself die and tear into pieces as I left the classroom. I’ve never failed a class during any semester (excluded Philosophy, but I was terribly ill with Meningitis) and I though I understand that there are a few bumps along the road, it still sits there in the back of my mind, taunting me like scab you just want to pick off but can’t.
I can be a serious bitch towards myself it’s almost scary, but I shouldn’t beat myself up over something I cannot control. I know I studied, completed my work, paid attention and worked harder than most students in the class. Though it seems it was to no avail, I mustn’t bring my spirits down and depress myself. Everyone learns the material presented, differently and putting yourself down about it, is not the answer. –This coming from the person who should follow her own advice yet does not-
It is easier to feel failure than feeling joy and acknowledgement towards your work. Although, true strength comes from being able to accept those obstacles, learn from them and take the chance to pick yourself back up. I’ve picked myself up and it’s time to continue moving forward.
I may feel disappointed in myself for the time being, but I know I can do better. If I do fail the class (though I will be depressed for a bit over that) I will at least know that I didn’t give up and simply hang it there for dead and say “fuck you” to the situation. I will at least feel proud enough to know that I tried and held my head up high even though it was futile and say that I tried till the very end.
Perhaps it’s the way the professor goes over the material, or it may be that it is only a 2 day class out of the 7 days of the week. Whatever the situation, I will at least have the chance to remind myself that I tried and gave it my all even if it seemed superfluous to do so.
I haven’t given up just yet though. I have but two other exams left to take so do wish me luck and perhaps a few smiles.
Well it’s off to bed. Let’s hope it’s a restful night, not a restless one…